Disclaimer: this is something of a rant. Inspired by real life stories and stupid “toasting” practices we have seen and been subjected to by poor sods who have never been taught any better. You will be taught better. After we’re done ranting…


This post was written by my humble anonymous self and my pal over here


If I had a thousand dollars
For every single time
A guy who should know better
Catcalled me
I would be richer than Lindsay Lohan
Or Saoirse Ronan.

Hi pretty girl, can I be your “friend”?

      The first time I heard this vile statement, I was 11, I think. It’s not even like I had developed a chest. I was still all baby voice and smooth cheeks, even without using a cleanser. That’s how young I was. I said, “My mother doesn’t like me talking to strangers” and I walked away.

       The second time, I was 13. I guess I had developed a bit of chest by then, but at that time, I wasn’t self conscious. At all. But I was brainy beyond my years. I recognized that the foul smelling individual blocking my path was actively looking to destroy my life. “John 10:10- for the thief cometh not, but to steal, to kill and to destroy”. See, my mom had made it a point of duty to drill it into my head, around age 7, I think, all about the birds and the bees and what happened to bees and birds who did not listen to their parents. They got destroyed.
But still I wanted to give the misguided person a chance to prove my mother wrong. So I told him my age and he opened his dirty, cigarette stained teeth and said, “But 13 is not too young to have a “friend”. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. So I resisted the devil in this odorous guise by letting out my longest hiss yet and walking away, shoulders held high, at a moderately fast pace.

    When I became too old to legitimately play the age card, I resorted to replying that I already had enough friends. Unfortunately, they took that as a challenge. P.s- If anyone knows an effective way to answer this question without being rude, comment. Please!

Baby, can I have your digits/ number/ facebook/twitter handle?

    First of all, I am NOT a baby. Yours or anyone else’s.
    Second, when did we meet that I should give you my phone number?
    Third, Stop. Following. Me.

        I have a very strict policy about NOT giving my number out to just anyone. This is probably because in secondary school, a guy out of nowhere got my number off a friend’s phone. And then proceeded to call me that midnight and torment me with stupid info about himself.
He introduced himself. Told me he got my number from a  “mutual friend” but refused to tell me who. I know, I could have hung up. Done the hissing thing again even. But I didn’t. I was turning over a new leaf. I wanted to be respectful now. So I listened. The amazing thing was that I didn’t even know the guy. I actually missed my then-daily- midnight dose of “Hey Arnold” (daily whenever NEPA brought light, that is) twice, because this dude could not put the shut- to- the-up. And I loved my “Hey Arnold”. I did not like it. I loved it. Can you imagine someone you haven’t met before, telling you to reduce the volume of the T.V set to listen to him? No? And the funny thing was that I did it.
Eventually I confronted all my friends. The dude was actually making me feel guilty if I didn’t pick up his calls at 3am. The ish had gotten serious.
As it turned out, dude was also toasting my 2 other BFFs. He even got my number from one of them. Apparently, he had seen a picture of all 3 of us and wanted us all. We dealt with him sha. How, you ask? I do not answer.  *Some things should be kept secret*.
Once bitten though, a thousand other guys and still shy. And, if I ever needed inspiration to continue my “unreasonable rule”, I got it this year. But that, my dear readers, is a post for another day. Never.  And by that, I mean NEVER. EVER. EVER! .

All other over- used pick up lines

      To be honest, no guy has come up to me to tell me that I looked like I fell out of heaven. And, I don’t know people that this happens to on a regular basis.  But I know that it does happen. How do I know? Because it could not remain such a static storyline all these years on all those shows if it never happened now, could it?
No. So it must happen.

I don’t blame guys, not really.  And I certainly don’t blame girls. Nothing makes a girl feel happier than knowing that her outfit/makeup/face/perfume was on point for that day. I once wrote, unwittingly, “It does a girl’s self confidence wonders when she almost causes an accident…”. I later went on to say that if would terrify her is she actually did cause one, but I won’t deny what I wrote. For the current moment, I’m embracing my “narcissist side”.

But being me, with all my cumulative experience with them boys; it is getting to become a serious prayer point, this: “Any and all p’s set with me in mind shall die. They shall fail. Father!”

And yes, I look like a naïve village girl saying it.
NEPA- Also known as PHCN, the Nigerian Power Handling Corporation.

While this post seeks to provide humour, please recognise that this is a very serious issue that needs to be addressed, modified and adjusted.
It begins with YOU!
For further, and more serious reading, see here and here and Google Street Harassment or Paedophilia.
Thank you for visiting! Drop a note and Do come again.


32 Comments Add yours

  1. igbocurls says:

    There is an alarming rate of pedophiles in Nigeria (thank God I’ve come a long way from being naïve). Some men are just unaware that there is a proper way to speak to women. Sigh* Keep ranting dearie, the predator ‘toasters’ are real.

    1. hrh7 says:

      Why, thank you!
      To be honest, naivete is extremely dangerous these days. Once, my little brother told me of a man who had tried to put the make on him. And I was alarmed, because now there’s no safe space. No sacred cow.
      Love the comment. Thanks.

      1. igbocurls says:

        Your little brother?! Thats horrible. Keep an eye on him and make sure he knows how to flee quick! Not every smiling stranger is a friend. Btw, you’re welcome. 🙂

  2. tobeehonest says:

    Unfortunately the links provided in this post do not work. You might want to look into that.

    Technical comments aside, Nigerian toasters can be mad annoying and extremely disrespectful. An answer to the need of a new friend depending on your physical safety is “no, thank you” with a pointed look and possibly a smile to smooth things over. I have been told I get away with bloody murder because I smile while delivering pointed barbs 🙂

    1. hrh7 says:

      Thank you for the comment. And about the smile, I’ll try that.
      I will definitely look into the links soon.

  3. DotedOn says:

    It’s sad the lack of respect of some men when you don’t agree on doing something. They should understand that NO is NO. Period 🙂

    1. hrh7 says:

      Daalu (that means Thank you).
      And I totally agree.

  4. imanikel says:

    hrh7 I had a great time laughing…you almost sound like someone I know. Thank God you had a word for every season. Permission to reblog 🙂

    1. hrh7 says:

      Thank you!
      Permission granted.

  5. imanikel says:

    Reblogged this on imanikingblog and commented:
    Reading this post, it felt sooooo good to know that some guys would try to sell those cheap lines and not every lady buys them. LOL

  6. frankugo says:

    Someone once told me that people who actually say “Can I be your friend/Can we be friends” have some kind of shady character. Thought I should drop this here


    1. hrh7 says:

      😊. There’s no reason to flee though.
      Not saying I agree but not saying I disagree either. Thanks for commenting.

  7. dbp49 says:

    You know, I never really run out of things to thank God for (does anyone?) but I always figured if I ever got close, I could always thank Him, and I only say this with the utmost respect ladies, for not making me female. Because seriously, I just don’t know how you do it. I have 4 sisters, and a bunch of brothers, and if we were to get into it with every jerk who dissed one of our female branches, the entire male tree would still be doing hard time somewhere like Attica or one of those places. My heart goes out to you.

    1. hrh7 says:

      😊. Thank you.
      Since you have so much experience (4 sisters) could you add some points to the advice column we added-
      Thanks again!

  8. Wendy Kate says:

    I didn’t even know what ‘toasting’ was….horrible.

    1. hrh7 says:

      That’s on me- “Toasting” is a Nigerian slang for asking girls out. It was designed to be confidence boosters but very usually is an experience that makes you want to scrub yourself down.
      Thanks for the comment.

  9. maryj01 says:

    Nice one…it made me laugh. Thanks 4 sharing

    1. hrh7 says:

      Thank YOU so much for reading.

  10. The first thing this reminded me of was when I was 4 or 5 years old. We lived in a trailer in my grandmother’s backyard briefly and she lived across from the High School. I use to put on my mother’s high heels and walk up and down the sidewalk listening to the clicking of the heels. A boy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to Fu&k. I told him, “I will have to ask my mother.” I went right home and told my mom this boy asked me to go Fu&k. (I had no idea what it meant). Of course, after that I was never allowed to walk up and down the sidewalk alone.

    1. hrh7 says:

      I’m desperately glad for your sake that you were not allowed to walk the sidewalks anymore.
      Thank you for this comment. It adds an element of justification to an earlier post I wrote on sexual abuse and paedophilia.
      I’m very sorry that happened to you however. I’m glad you got a story out of it though.

      1. Yes, I do have a story and thankfully, a brief one. 🙂 I was very little then and that was back in late 1950’s.

  11. ropheka says:

    I just inform people who want my address that I prefer a police check first, Another is that it takes time to build trust so wait until I offer. If I do not offer than that is your answer

    1. hrh7 says:

      Hahaha. Thanks. I’ll try that!

  12. me says:

    Lool. Whoa, some post.

    To start with, how many blogs do you have? Two? Inbetweenpeople and insearchofperfecthair?

    That aside.

    I detest it when guys just come up to you without game, but more importantly without courtesy. To start with you don’t call me baby, honey, sugar and all other kinds of endearment if I don’t know you. Secondly, approach is important. You don’t just slug by looking as lazy as the dude that did the Japanese flag. Like, really though? It is very rude and some guys don’t understand this.

    To the guys: Basically we don’t ask that you’re handsome, hot, tall or whatever to approach us, all we seek is some respect, clear purpose, intent and straight- forwardness. I guess if these are present, you won’t even be needing the damned pick- up lines.

    *sigh. Lovely post HrH7!

    1. hrh7 says:

      👆 right here? Awesomeness.
      And no, not exactly. The administrator of Tendrils started this blog. I liked it, took it over. She continued on with Tendrils, except when she posted the article on sexual abuse here. I though, remain anonymous. But we share the name- hrh7.

      1. me says:

        Oh okay! Awesome job all the way. Thanks for the clarification. 🙂

      2. hrh7 says:

        No problem. I’m still in awe. :). You’re on my blog!

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