Disclaimer: this is
something of a rant. Inspired by real life stories and stupid “toasting” practices we have seen and been subjected to by poor sods who have never been taught any better. You will be taught better. After we’re done ranting…
This post was written by my humble anonymous self and my pal over here
If I had a thousand dollars
For every single time
A guy who should know better
I would be richer than Lindsay Lohan
Or Saoirse Ronan.
Hi pretty girl, can I be your “friend”?
The first time I heard this vile statement, I was 11, I think. It’s not even like I had developed a chest. I was still all baby voice and smooth cheeks, even without using a cleanser. That’s how young I was. I said, “My mother doesn’t like me talking to strangers” and I walked away.
The second time, I was 13. I guess I had developed a bit of chest by then, but at that time, I wasn’t self conscious. At all. But I was brainy beyond my years. I recognized that the foul smelling individual blocking my path was actively looking to destroy my life. “John 10:10- for the thief cometh not, but to steal, to kill and to destroy”. See, my mom had made it a point of duty to drill it into my head, around age 7, I think, all about the birds and the bees and what happened to bees and birds who did not listen to their parents. They got destroyed.
But still I wanted to give the misguided person a chance to prove my mother wrong. So I told him my age and he opened his dirty, cigarette stained teeth and said, “But 13 is not too young to have a “friend”. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. So I resisted the devil in this odorous guise by letting out my longest hiss yet and walking away, shoulders held high, at a moderately fast pace.
When I became too old to legitimately play the age card, I resorted to replying that I already had enough friends. Unfortunately, they took that as a challenge. P.s- If anyone knows an effective way to answer this question without being rude, comment. Please!
Baby, can I have your digits/ number/ facebook/twitter handle?
First of all, I am NOT a baby. Yours or anyone else’s.
Second, when did we meet that I should give you my phone number?
Third, Stop. Following. Me.
I have a very strict policy about NOT giving my number out to just anyone. This is probably because in secondary school, a guy out of nowhere got my number off a friend’s phone. And then proceeded to call me that midnight and torment me with stupid info about himself.
He introduced himself. Told me he got my number from a “mutual friend” but refused to tell me who. I know, I could have hung up. Done the hissing thing again even. But I didn’t. I was turning over a new leaf. I wanted to be respectful now. So I listened. The amazing thing was that I didn’t even know the guy. I actually missed my then-daily- midnight dose of “Hey Arnold” (daily whenever NEPA brought light, that is) twice, because this dude could not put the shut- to- the-up. And I loved my “Hey Arnold”. I did not like it. I loved it. Can you imagine someone you haven’t met before, telling you to reduce the volume of the T.V set to listen to him? No? And the funny thing was that I did it.
Eventually I confronted all my friends. The dude was actually making me feel guilty if I didn’t pick up his calls at 3am. The ish had gotten serious.
As it turned out, dude was also toasting my 2 other BFFs. He even got my number from one of them. Apparently, he had seen a picture of all 3 of us and wanted us all. We dealt with him sha. How, you ask? I do not answer. *Some things should be kept secret*.
Once bitten though, a thousand other guys and still shy. And, if I ever needed inspiration to continue my “unreasonable rule”, I got it this year. But that, my dear readers, is a post for another day. Never. And by that, I mean NEVER. EVER. EVER! .
All other over- used pick up lines
To be honest, no guy has come up to me to tell me that I looked like I fell out of heaven. And, I don’t know people that this happens to on a regular basis. But I know that it does happen. How do I know? Because it could not remain such a static storyline all these years on all those shows if it never happened now, could it?
No. So it must happen.
I don’t blame guys, not really. And I certainly don’t blame girls. Nothing makes a girl feel happier than knowing that her outfit/makeup/face/perfume was on point for that day. I once wrote, unwittingly, “It does a girl’s self confidence wonders when she almost causes an accident…”. I later went on to say that if would terrify her is she actually did cause one, but I won’t deny what I wrote. For the current moment, I’m embracing my “narcissist side”.
But being me, with all my cumulative experience with them boys; it is getting to become a serious prayer point, this: “Any and all p’s set with me in mind shall die. They shall fail. Father!”
And yes, I look like a naïve village girl saying it.
NEPA- Also known as PHCN, the Nigerian Power Handling Corporation.
While this post seeks to provide humour, please recognise that this is a very serious issue that needs to be addressed, modified and adjusted.
It begins with YOU!
For further, and more serious reading, see here and here and Google Street Harassment or Paedophilia.
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