The story of how I started writing this letter to you on my old blog is pretty straightforward. I find it funny but you might not.
I attended the Women of Destiny Conference in April 2016 for 2 days (Saturday and Sunday) and somehow all my terrors at bringing you into this world eased and I was no longer afraid of being called Mommy. The battle has raged inside me for almost 5 years. Now it doesn’t rage. I’m not sure yet if I’m going to have you but regardless I wanted to prepare.
So, I went to the supermarket from which I got my prayer journal and looked for a journal to make into my baby book. I had a picture of the kind of journal I wanted, pink or blue or green or purple with inspirational quotes and sayings, Bible verses and lovely golden lines for me to use while writing my hopes, prayers and plans for you. Then I got there and the only journal they had was brown with an inbuilt calculator on the front. It did not inspire confidence. This was a journal that screamed “Serious writings only!”.
My love, you are a serious thing. And writing for you would have been extremely serious to me but I did not want to write about you in that book. I did not like it in the store and I know enough to know that if I don’t like it in the store, I wouldn’t like it at all in my room or wherever else I remembered something I planned to write to you, or make you do or see the importance of. I simply did not like it. So, I looked in other shops, supermarkets. I looked everywhere. Nothing. Then an idea snaked its way back into my heart. I started writing the original letter to you last year on my other blog: Tendrils (it’s not a hair blog though) but I mistakenly deleted it. Why not start writing to you here instead?
The danger with journals is that I may lose them. They could get drenched by palm oil, or yoghurt or your uncle Nonso could come into my room and take it thinking it was a novel or a notebook for him. But if it’s online?
I can’t see this blog drenched in oil or stolen. And even if it is, there’ll be backup documents. And I can extend my reach and inspire.
I’m using my old blog because Tendrils is a bit too full right now and I don’t want it to drown.
Have I lost you? Are you still reading? Good.
The most important thing I have to say in this letter is DO NOT LET GO OF GOD!
Sickness will come, death of people you love and like, pain and more but GOD has brought generations of men and women through everything you face and HE will definitely bring you through as well.
I was terrified, for years of bringing you into the world, especially when for a while I wasn’t even sure I wanted to live in the world either. I have seen pain, terrible pain. I have seen a man get shot in the very early morning on his way to work before. I have seen death up close and personal. I have seen anguish. Incredible anguish. I have seen cancer, and how weak it makes people. I have seen the after effects of a stroke and how helpless it can make a person. I have seen full blown madness and with everything I’ve seen, I got progressively more terrified.
But it doesn’t even compare with the things I’ve heard, with the things I’ve read. Dumping children in the garbage? Shooting babies because of jealous fits? Someone gets depressed and so he decides to kill himself, along with everyone else on the plane? This world went to hell a really long time ago, why bring you into it? And the battle raged. And stormed. And threatened. And I became progressively more terrified.
But you see, this is why you have to be very close to Baba God; he will remind you of who you truly are when you least expect it. Years back, I began to study people. Observe them and watch them. It was very interesting. The average human being is good in public. And good in private too. Sometimes. Other times, there’s more to the story than what you can see.But what I gleaned from all my time studying and observing people was that perspective was everything. I remember cheering various people up with this saying, ” Life is always going to be terrible, painful. But you can look at it this way. Everyday, someone dies or everyday, someone is born. Which of these events you decide to focus on, is up to you”.
You see love, I had totally forgotten that it was up to me. I’d left it up to the newspapers, the radio, the internet, the TV to influence my decision making. But God brought me back to me. Because although I have seen death in all its stomach churning, tear inducing majesty, I have also seen life in kaleidoscope. I have seen how joyful almost everyone is on a swing. I have seen how beautiful the world looks peeking out of fluffy looking clouds. I have seen miracles, steady miracles in my life and those of others. I have seen mothers who have loved their children valiantly. And as much as I don’t want to expose you to the bad, I definitely want you to see the good too. So it’s no longer up to me. I gave that decision to God.
If He does decide that you will live, I have given him utter and complete control of your life/lives. And my permission to hound you if you decide you can live without Him. I know my God. He is extremely, extraordinarily persuasive in the most beautiful of ways. You will be His. So whenever you’re reading this, as a child saying nighttime prayers daily to Him, as a teenager not willing to commit to God because you want to enjoy the “good life” first, as an adult busy with work and responsibilities, just surrender and smile. You will be HIS, no doubt about it. But you will love the Christian life sometimes, hate it sometimes, be conflicted quite often but as long as you keep asking Him daily to hold your hands, your leg, your finances, your future, your pains, your joys, as long as you keep asking Him to hold you, you’ll be okay. You’ll be more than okay in fact, you’ll live and you’ll live life very abundantly.